So, I'm locked into a lease until August of 2010. Hello, another year of Kansas. I was a little concerned that I may actually get away from your boring social scene and schizophrenic weather patterns; who would want to do that?

That places my master plan just another step out of my reach. While I can't reveal too many details of this scheme, I'll give you a hint. One word: alpacas.

Unlike an alpaca wonderland, the real world's bleak. CNN is more often than not nothing more than a depressant broadcast digitally. Politicians bicker, Final Exit helps put magic black bags on suicidal individuals, and Mexico is in a cagefight with a bunch of drug cartels.

My Mexican side is crying a little bit.